So, I finished my novel, got some beta reader friends to give me some feedback. And decided in the absence of money to hire an editor or a proofreader, I should find an agent, someone who will feel strongly that she can make money off this book and has enough brains to suggest edits or sell it to a publisher who actually pays one on staff.
Nowadays, an artist has to mostly fill out a form, or email the literary agencies, when they are reading that is. You know your query will go to the bottom of a virtual slush pile where I'm convinced the interns and assistants look for their own pre-conceived products rather than hope to pull out a good book. So, what to do? Ask friends and former teachers for a referral. At least, this way, your manuscript is out of the slush pile.
I have to say that in my 20s I took a lot of workshops, where I learned exactly NOTHING. As a friend mentioned, they don't work for novels because once all is said and done, the class will only get to see the first 50 pages, if you are lucky. Then there are as many opinions as there are students and very little consensuses or suggestions as how to fix an "issue." The teacher just moderates and adds her or his own opinion, which carries more or less the same weight as the students. No one ever taught me technique. Which can be taught. Talent can't be taught, but tricks of the trade can be. I learned how to write good dialogue from Leonard Elmore. Reading is the only effective teacher.
I had a former teacher with whom I had reconnected recently. She is now in her 80s and dementia is tip toeing into her brain. She still remembers me, but every time I meet her for dinner asks me how we met. That's why I haven't asked her to read my manuscript. Because hey, she wouldn't remember what happened from one chapter to the next. But I saw on her Facebook page that her most recent novel, Mirage, would be published by a very small house after her other books were published by Penguin. This information came to me through her agent who had posted this triumph on my former teacher's FB page. The agent works for a reputable agency, but from what I learned from her FB page is rather a loser--overweight, unattractive, tackily dressed, and seemed to find stupid things cute. I didn't think she would get my book, but I figured she took another Iranian writer, and works for a good agency and beggars like me can't be choosers. My teacher said she communicates via messenger only. So, I sent her a message. She was very nice and sweet and told me she would love to see a query and the first four chapters. I sent them. She emailed to say she loved my pages and is very excited to see the entire manuscript and to give her time to catch up since she had had the flu recently. She also asked me whether she can have the manuscript exclusively for ten days. Of course, I agreed, cautiously climbing the ladder to the seventh heaven. Dreams I didn't dare dream before started dancing in my mind like Christmas lights.
The ten days came and went and I didn't hear anything from her. No news is good news, I told myself, maybe she is showing it to more senior agents. Well, I finally contacted her via messenger in late November, a full two weeks after the ten day deadline. She told me that although I'm a "gorgeous" writer she was going to pass, because she didn't emotionally connect with the material. First, I just politely thanked her and was going to leave with my tail between my legs, but then I decided, no, I need some honest answers, beyond the platitudes and the bullshit. So, I asked her whether she felt another agent at the agency might be a better fit. She wrote, "I don't think so." So, I asked her, be honest, is it that bad? I wanted her to explain why she felt that a page turner with lots of sex wouldn't sell? Was it that one of the protagonist is Iranian? Is it that the characters are unlikeable, are they just badly drawn, what? What exactly precluded her from resonating with the material, what exactly stopped her fat ass from jiggling with excitement? What I needed was honest feedback, badly. Well, I couldn't ask her any of this, because right after she told me, "I don't think so." She blocked me. The nice friendly agent who thought she could make some money off me suddenly turned into a rude asshole because she believed she couldn't.
Now, I know agents are just sales people. They aren't artists, or even editors, just brokers. But when someone has been so informal as to confide about her flu and work, etc. Someone who had accepted my FB friend request, someone who had asked for the whole manuscript and then once she didn't want it, couldn't be bothered to answer yeah, or nay, until I reached out, you would think that person could be bothered to give me five minutes of her time. Literally, five minutes.
So, I wrote her an email, titling it, "thanks for reading my manuscript," and started out very nicely then I told her what I really thought of her. Basically, all I have written here, but not in so many words. I did tell her she is an asshole.
This, dear fellow writers, is on behalf of all of you. When people treat you like shit, shit on them right back! No apologies.
